Dear Paula
I've just discovered my husband has been talking to an ex-girlfriend online behind my back and I'm feeling really hurt and betrayed. I feel very strongly about this because the first few months we were together he told me far too much about the fun he had with his exes, including things I didn't need to hear about his previous sexual exploits.

He also told me an ex was "lovely" while we were cuddled up after being intimate. I'm not the most confident of people anyway and was left feeling completely second best to these women, specially as we never had the kind of fun he described due to him having custody of his kids, which means no social life but hearing repeatedly all about his previous fantastic social life.

I was abused as a teen and this has had a huge effect on my life and left me low in confidence, and my husband knows all about this. He also knows how badly his stupid comments about his exes hurt, and that I've battled with this for the past couple of years to try and put the negative thoughts and images out of my head.

He told me he was talking to this woman but when I asked if she was an old flame he lied and told me she was an old friend. I knew something wasn't quite right so I had a look and sure enough, the e-mails they've been exchanging make it clear they were once an item. I confronted him and he said he didn't tell me she was an ex because he knew I'd be upset.

He tells me I'm the love of his life etc but I just can't believe he would do this, knowing how I feel and knowing it would hurt me, like I don't matter as long as he gets to apologise to some old girlfriend, apparently for treating her badly. He's been commenting on the things she used to wear, the weekend away they enjoyed and has remembered her birthday.

He has apologised but I feel so betrayed and disrespected that he would do such a thing in the first place, knowing how I feel and how much it would hurt. He's been doing this while I'm at work, as he stays at home to look after his kids while I'm the bread winner who provides for them all - I feel such a fool.

Dear Paula writes:
Come on now. He's a bit pathetic isn't he? I think your man is the one with issues around self-confidence. He's obviously trying to bolster his ego at your expense which is selfish and immature. None of this stuff he talks about is the slightest reflection on you. This is all about his feelings of inadequacy.

Look at the situation. He is a househusband dependent on you to bring home the bacon, and you have also taken on his children and I'm sure not many women would be willing to step into that situation. The Chinese have a saying, "why do you hate me? I never helped you." I'm not for a moment suggesting that he hates you, but it's possible that he may unconsciously resent the fact that he's very dependent on you and is trying to make himself feel better by painting this Jack the Lad image of himself in order to compete with you.

This is not about other women. You're the one he's with and he may very likely regard you as the love of his life but he does need to learn to keep his mouth shut about his (probably quite ordinary) past relationships. If it was all so great, why didn't he stick with any of them? I think he probably feels emasculated and this is the situation which really needs addressing, as it's very unfair of him to punish you for the way he feels.

I recognise that it can be very difficult to find a job these days and you don't say how old the children are and what level of child-care is required but have you discussed the possibility of him going to out to work? He really needs something to make him feel more equal as he can't use the tactic of trying to make this happen by putting you down. Two people feeling rotten is not a good recipe for a successful marriage.

t might not be advisable to tackle this head-on but if you tell him you're feeling very unhappy and unsure about the relationship surviving because you feel so hurt, he might agree to a third party intervention to help look at how to make things better. Because of your past abuse issues, it's important that you stand up for yourself and refuse to be emotionally abused, as this is what he's doing.

Couple counselling could help ( see www.relate.org.uk ) but if he's not willing to change this situation you may need to think long and hard as to whether you want to stay with a man who is attacking you because of his own inadequacies. After all, a man with three dependent children isn't generally considered much of a catch, whereas you are obviously a giving person, able to support yourself and with no dependents of your own outside of him and his children.

In theory, it would be easy for you to move on, so it's in his interest to knock your confidence as he probably thinks will ensure that you stay with him. You're holding all the cards. Start playing them for your own benefit, make some demands of your own and refuse to accept any more of his poor behaviour.