Dear Paula,
I'm writing to you and asking for your advice because the two people I would usually go to are the two people this is about. I hope it doesn't sound like a silly problem, but I'm finding it so hard to juggle my boyfriend and my dad.

My dad has a rare muscle wasting disease (plus diabetes) and although I still live at home, he spends a lot of time alone because I split my time between my mum's and my dad's house. (I've just finished studying). He doesn't have a girlfriend and all his family are back in Ireland.


I've been with my boyfriend for nearly five years and love him with all my heart. He knows how hard it is for my dad, and how it breaks my heart to see him try and cope with a downhill situation (my dad drinks when he gets really depressed about his condition, which is bad for his diabetes etc). I'm already preparing for the end of my career before it has even started so I can look after him.

But my boyfriend sometimes is so insensitive - he makes comments about me seeing my dad more than him (which are incorrect) and gets moody if he asks me out or something but I've already made a commitment to see my dad. He says he will try to be more sensitive but it never lasts. I think it is made worse because I've just started working but my boyfriend is still looking for work.

It just feels like a hopeless situation, like I will never be able to get the balance right between my dad, my boyfriend and work. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself right now and that's bad, but I just can't help it. I don't know what to do. Please help.

Dear Paula writes:
It's not reasonable for anyone (including you)to expect you to sacrifice your own life and happiness in this situation. It's clear you feel a huge loyalty to all concerned but you can't be superwoman. you really don't need to be so hard on yourself.

It's OK to feel sorry for yourself as long as you don't let it paralyse you. You could be quite clinical about this and look at the amount of leisure time available to you once work is out of the way and then decide how you can allocate it and plan your time accordingly, letting people know in advance when you will visit, go on a date etc.

Your father is certainly in a hard place and you don't name his condition but it's possible that there is a support organisation which may be able to give you some advice and you could find this on the internet. If you haven't already contacted social services to get an assessment regarding care at home for your dad, I suggest you do so.

He may not want anyone going in but if the option is there, it would be very selfish of him to turn it down in favor of you going in. I think you need to explore some possibilities for getting him out of the house and meeting people rather than him being totally dependent on you.

You may think I'm being unsympathetic about this but you really don't want to find yourself in the situation where you start to resent him. If he can get out (volunteer drivers etc) it will help with his depression and hopefully help cut down the drinking. We're all alive until we're dead and there's no reason why your dad can't have a life. It needs some research and a bit of lateral thinking but it's not impossible.

Could you perhaps get access to a car if you don't have one and you, your dad and your boyfriend have the occasional day out? Your dad should also be getting an allowance for transport (cabs etc) if he is unable to get about unaided.

This situation is not hopeless. The problem is that you have decided it's all down to you to deal with and you've given yourself a task that would daunt the best of us. For good or ill, your dad has his own path in life and you can't rescue him from the bad parts. You need to also live your own life. The most you can do for your dad is to give him support within reason (leaving time for you and your boyfriend) and to find some opportunities for him to get out and maybe get some help at home. If he doesn't want to avail himself of any of these, don't make that your problem.

You need some fun and enjoyment in your own life and you have no need to feel guilty about that. I recommend the regular practice of calming breathing exercises (see www.alendi.co.uk) as they will help bring down your stress levels and allow you to do some creative thinking, rather than having this situation going round and round in your head, going nowhere. (www.relate.org.uk)