Dear Paula,
I am married but have had several affairs. I do love my wife and the children I've had with her (they are both teenagers.)

However, I have a four year old with another woman (not my first transgression but the only child from such.)

My four year old is severly autistic and his mother suffers from severe bi-polar disorder. The idea was that if she ever left her husband, I'd leave my wife (yes, she was married at the time of conception and birth and four years later).

Now, however.. she made up a whole cancer scare and then said her husband wasn't supportive. She needed me. I talked to my wife and she agreed... so i was on my way... till I caught her lying and moving in with another man.

I'm sorry to make this a long story but I'll make it short now. He's my son. What do I do now that I have zero rights, no trust in the mother and an autistic child? I love them both.

Dear Paula writes:
You're a grown man and accountable for your actions so I'm afraid that my concern is not for you in this situation but for the child and there are so many questions and concerns raised in my mind by what you write. Is his mother's BPD under control? Is there any service provision made for the child? What has your input been over the past four years and does the mother's husband regard himself as the child's father?

Autistic children really need stability and routine and can react very badly to the unfamiliar. I wonder if the newman has any idea of what he's taking on and how long the situation will last. You really don't have any control over this situation, so I can appreciate your concern but there's not much you can do. Given your status, it's very unlikely that you can involve any agencies to ensure his welfare, unless you feel there is sufficient concern to merit reporting the situation to social services - which any concerned citizen can do.

I don't want to get all moralistic over your behaviour, but what about the wife and children you already have and say you also love? Are you considering their happiness and welfare? You seem to have spread yourself a bit too thin and it looks as though you may be left with nothing. Have you ever considered that you may be addicted to the drama of this situation and the excitement of having affairs?

You certainly seem to have chosen someone very unstable in the mother of your child and, on the face of it, she doesn't seem to be putting his interests first, so it looks like this particular drama will run and run. You're on a roller coaster ride here and it would be a good idea to stop and think about where all this is leading you, what it says about you and whether you need or want to make some personal changes and some real commitments, as all you seem to be doing so far is making a mess.