Dear John,

My husband of 10 years is a really nice man, but I cant stand him touching me, and will do anything to avoid having sex with him.

I know this is unfair on him, he has not lost interest in me, and can't understand what the problem is... and nor do I really. I just don't fancy him anymore.

We have had lots of problems, but try to work through them. I am also finding it harder to deal with the age gap of 19 years - it wasn't a problem to me for a while, but I am finding there are less and less things we can do together, and to be honest I find myself not wanting to do things with him.

He is a good man, and we have got children that I really don't want to destroy by a messy break up, but is that enough to stay for forever?

Dear John writes:

In a word, no, it isn't. Frankly, by the time you're making the effort to write to agony uncles, using phrases like "can't stand him touching me" and "I find myself not wanting to do things with him", you can consider your marriage well and truly boned.

You'll never be happy if you stay in such a dissatisfying relationship, and there's no way that you'll manage to continue papering over the cracks forever. Children are very perceptive and will eventually work out that something's wrong. And, in the long run, it's better to bring kids up in a quiet and happy home than one in which they're dodging dishes being flung across the kitchen by their parents.

Let your husband down gently, though. Be honest with him about your feelings but don't be mean or churlish. With a bit of luck he'll understand. After all, I for one would prefer to be on my own than experience the pain of being repeatedly pushed away for the rest of a marriage.

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