Dear John, I have been with my husband for 15 years and we were very happy (or so I thought). Then I found out that he'd been having an affair for four years. He said it was just some fun and it was me and the kids he truly loved. I asked him to stop and he said he would, but in May of this year he announced he was going away for a week on holiday. When I asked him who with, he said that he was going on his own – and I immediately knew that he was going with her.
I put him out of the marital home, but now he keeps asking to come back. He says how much he loves me - more than when we first met – and, yes, I do love him too. However, I don't think I can ever trust him again as I will never be able to know if he is telling me the truth.
Everyone I speak to about it says the same thing - "It's up to you" – but I would dearly love an opinion from someone who doesn't know me.
Dear John writes:
It's up to you. Nah, I'm just kidding. In fact, I have some damned good advice - even if I do say so myself...
Based on the information you've provided, it seems that you've handled this situation – a horrible situation, and one that truly does not appear to be of your own making – in an exemplary fashion.
For better or worse, you were mature enough to give your husband a second chance. And, after he blew it, you stuck to your guns and told him to sling his philandering hook. Bravo. Weaker people would have clung onto him for as long as possible if they were in your situation, letting him trample all over your feelings while he fecked off to Majorca with the local equivalent of Avaline from Bread. But not you! You should be quietly proud of your resolve.
In my opinion, what you need to do now is carry on being bloody-minded, and should waste no time in telling your husband where he can stick it. Start divorce proceedings immediately, and get him out of your life as quickly as you can. Some intense but relatively short-term woe will be a far easier thing to deal with than a lifetime of checking collars for lipstick and fretting that you're being played for a numpty.
Oh, and there are an awful lot of men out there who don't cheat, you know. In a few months time, you might well be ready to go and find one. After all, there's no reason why he should be having all the fun.
Next question: Should I keep the baby?
shopping spree
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Thursday 27 November
Written by JOHN
YOU GET PAID FOR THAT ?
TALKING COMPLETE ARSE I THINK,SORRY BUT IF THATS YOUR ADVICE THEN HOW SAD ARE YOU.
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Thursday 27 November
Written by jennifer
I agree with your advice John. My partner cheated on me when he went on holiday with his mates. He never admitted he was unfaithful until I got hold of his mobile. He asked to give him another chance and because I loved him at that time I took him back which was a big mistake. It is so hard to rebuild trust. I still do not trust him and things were never the same. Although I forgave him, I'll never forget..
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Friday 28 November
Written by Lou
Well done girl - as John says, the hardest part is done. Don 't go backwards. I on;y wish I had some of your strength. I'd love to do the same, but I work and live with my cheat, and am not married, so would be up the creek without a paddle. I'm putting a few insurances plans into action, but I envy you. Be strong.
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Friday 28 November
Written by Mary
I completely disagree. People treat being faithful as some sort of a religious commandment that must not be broken, and if I were religious I'd agree with you. But rational humans today know that, as humans, we are prone to desiring other people sometimes in our life, and that we all make mistakes. I had a similar experience with someone a long time ago and I acted in exactly the same way. I moved on, met other people, got married and 20 years later I managed to contact the guy through Facebook. I discovered that of all the men I had been with, he was the only one I truly loved. He was my soul mate and I still feel a great deal for him as so does he.
But of course it is too late. I am married now with 3 kids and I am not about to ruin my marriage. But, had I forgiven him and given him another chance, when he did betray me, who knows? I have often felt like straying from my husband, and if I had the chance I would have. It's human and natural. People should get over the exclusivity syndrome and learn that true love goes beyond the odd sexual encounter with a passer by, simply for experimentation or curiosity. As long as he gets it out of his system and returns to his wife, I think she should give him another chance.
Friday 28 November
Written by Clare
What about the children? They deserve two parents, however imperfect the relationship. We get the kind of children we deserve
Friday 28 November
Written by Elli
Very good advice, get the divorce going, any man who can go off on holiday with his tart (spending family money)when he has children is no man at all.
It will hurt to begin with,but it will pass, and you will meet someone worth having.
I hope you have good friends, my friends made sure I started having a social life.
I have been with my new partner for 6years now and life has nerver been better.
Forget him and take good care of yourself and your children, your the important ones.
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Friday 28 November
Written by Nicky
I think you have definately made the right choice to get rid of him. Once a cheat,always a cheat. I found out my husband had been having an affair with a friend of mine for over a year. I threw him out and started divorce proceedings immediately - yes it's hard but I have respect for myself (and my child) and will not let someone treat me that way. Friends will be a great support to help yu through it. Get out with friends and hold your head up high as you have done nothing wrong. You will find you actually have a life that doesn't revolve around him and the kids and will eventually look towards the happy and bright future you are going to have. I have already. Don't take him back
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Friday 28 November
Written by sharon
I agree with a few of Marys Comments, but I dont think that this case really qualifies, This was not an odd sexual encounter with a passer by, simply for experimentation or curiosity, this affair went on for 4 years and he continued to decieve her even after she had found out and given him a second chance.
He must see how much he is hurting her and if it really was true love then he would never put her through this.
I dont think he has just made a mistake, I suspect his only reget is being found out.
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Friday 28 November
Written by boo
wow the above reader must really suffer from low self esteam. Marriage or partnership is a about an exclusive relationship, trust and concern for the other feelings of the other partner. It's not purly phisical but a phisical betrayal does confilt with the concept of a concern for the others welfare. as for giving him the high road well done your made of strong stuff go and find yourself an equal.
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Friday 28 November
Written by Liz
Absolutely DO NOT give him another chance. I was in the exact same situation. After 10yrs of marriage my EX cheated on me. I took him back. For all the wrong reasons.Co's he said he loved me and it was a mistake. And for the 2 children we had together. I then spent the next 15yrs feeling like a doormat. And then he did it to me again. God what an idiot I was. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life, with a completely selfish git. Got into deep depression, NO support from him. (What a suprise) As long as his needs were being met, he didn't give a damn about what I needed.
Once a cheat, always a cheat.
I say, start a new life before it's too late.
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Friday 28 November
Written by charlotte
i totally agree with John, start those divorce proceedings. this happenend to me, i was married for 7 years, when i found out 6 days before last christmas that my husband had been having an affair. he begged & pleaded to stay & i forgave him. it wasn't the same, there was no trust, respect, i began to resent it. i tried to make it work but he made no effort, it was so one sided. i think he just wanted the security of the marital home etc. He left again in May this year, saying he could not forgive himself for what he had done! Anyway, i am now in the proceeds of divorce, its taken along time to get the strength, but i feel free, not always wondering what he is up to. Be strong for yourself - it gets easier. there will be someone out there that loves & RESPECTS you. Good luck.
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Friday 28 November
Written by Derek Sturdy
I am a man my wife betrayed me not once but twice. I trusted her and took her back after our divorce when her then boyfriend left her with child, when he was 2 weeks old I took him as my son. last Christmas she done it again and we are divorcing again and I have the children. now she wants the children and the house back nearly one year later.
If you dont want that bond and commitment that comes with marrage then don't bother. marrage is like a puppy not just for Christmas. for lfe. when they have done it once there will always be another and another
Monday 15 December
Written by themoodybloo
comments and opinions are all very well,but can someone define love?i found out my lovely wife was having an affair,i think we were both to blame as we both lost our way a bit and some predator took advantage,i would never have cheated on my wife as i had a second chance in life with her, but we are divorced now and life is lonely,would i take her back?? yes,trust can be rebuilt with hard work and commitment,but decent guys dont get a third chance in life ...do they?????
Friday 28 November
Written by boo
Once an affair has happened that is the end has begun. He or she is looking elsewhere and will continue to do so. You may not want to move on but they are and if you try and stand in their way it will only be to serve as a door mat. Children are not happy when one parent is depressed and frightened or financialy stressed because their partner is spending money on holidays restraunts or children they have with someone else. I believe two people can stay in the same house for their childrens sake but live as single people this should be explained to the children as they will pick up on it. This ladies husband was clearly doing just this but did'nt want to fill her in his little understanding because he did'nt feel she deserved or had the right to a meaningful relationship in her life. YOu could not have a meaningful friendship with such a selfish person let alone share your home and entire future with them.
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Friday 28 November
Written by Lou
Does Clare really believe that?? That you stay together for the children no matter what? Rubbish. Sorry, but it is. It isn't healthy to bring them up in an atmosphere, with people being 'strnage' with each other, seeing one upset, the other apparently uncaring. Much better to let them be with one, loving, caring parent; much more stable. Think about it, Clare!
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Friday 28 November
Written by Lou
I have to say that Mary is being really unfair to her husband, who thinks she cares, when she is, in fact, lusting after someone from her past (who was apparently not to nice to her!)
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Friday 28 November
Written by Lou
I have to say that Mary is being really unfair to her husband, who thinks she cares, when she is, in fact, lusting after someone from her past (who was apparently not to nice to her!)
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Sunday 30 November
Written by Derek Sturdy
I have to agree with Lou, you can't put the children through that kind of hell it will destroy everyone and everything, best as Lou says the children stay with the one loving caring parent, they need the emotional stability more than the financial one.
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Wednesday 10 December
Written by kate
it's over. it has been over for four years
you have done the tough part by throwing him out now allyou have to do is keep him out.
and as for the second poster mary i wouldn't listen to most of what she said, she didn't read the whole post,this was NOT a accidental fling ,it went on for four years! and he lied and went on holiday with the other woman.
mary is clearly a sad desperate woman still lusting after some guy she knew years ago all the while playing happy family's with her non the wiser husband.sad
though i do agree it is part of nature to eye other people now and again it doesn't necessarily have to lead anywhere other a fantasy ,but when it does lead to him actually forming a relationship with another woman then your marriage is OVER.THE END
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