Dear John,

Six months ago my husband (aged 40) went on a boys' sporting holiday. When he came back, he was very cagey with his mobile. I knew instinctively that something wasn't right. Sure enough, around six weeks later he admitted that he had made friends with a woman he met on holiday and had been in text contact with her...

He said he had been discussing our marriage with her and she had advised him to sort things out with me (I didn't know we had a problem).

In fact, he had actually driven an 800 mile round trip to visit her, telling me he was on a works outing. He says nothing physical happened between them and that he was having some sort of mid-life crisis. He said he wanted us to stay together and make our marriage work.

I was devastated, and only now starting to come to terms with it. Now he says he wants to go on holiday again with the boys at the same time next year. I don't think our marriage can survive this. I feel it is too soon and I just can't trust him again completely. Am I being selfish?

Dear John writes:

Sporting holiday? Is that what he told you? One's eyes water while imagining the activities on the itinerary. By now, I suspect that the matter of whether he cheated on you is not so important. Having already been donked around the head by the revelation that your marriage probably isn't the steel structure that you presumed, a further admission from him probably wouldn't change the situation, or make you feel any worse.

At some point in their lives, everybody wonders if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. And at the same time, everybody has the right to ponder the state of their marriage, and take impartial advice from a confidant. Having said that, he did lie to you and break your trust. And it's all very well to bleat on about wanting to make your relationship work, but if he's nipping off for a week of sangria and Swingball mere months after a make-or-break marriage crisis, it doesn't exactly make him look like he's desperately putting the effort into keeping rings on fingers. Especially if he'll be going on the same kind of trip that caused all this grief in the first place.

If he really wants to keep your marriage together, he ought to be concentrating on spending some time with you instead – or, at the very least, not rubbing your nose in the upset that he's caused. It's only natural for you to worry that there could be a repeat performance, and I'd waste no time in reminding him that regaining your trust should be more important to him than a week on the golf course. If he still decides to go, then you'll have every right to find a confidant of your own. After all, actions speak louder than words – and being ignored can be deafening.

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